if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
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Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.