i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles