[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do