“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Matt Goss
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?