oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
a lot to unpack here
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses