*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest