Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
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dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
#oldknees
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My current situation
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?