Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?