When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog