Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures