I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
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My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Our lord and savoury.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…