Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
You Might Also Like
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.