Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
![]()
You Might Also Like
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
#dnd #ttrpg
![]()
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Awesome parenting 😂
![]()
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.