Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
You Might Also Like
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?