When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*lint rolls you awake*
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba