the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
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Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Woke up against my better judgement again
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo