I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
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This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.