Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.