I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
The game has officially changed 😎
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel