You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
You Might Also Like
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Great game to play with friends
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong