You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
You Might Also Like
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
According to math, I’m broke
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.