I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Anime is real
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?