It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Expect the unexporcupine.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
dutch is not a serious language
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
PLOT TWIST:
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol