Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.