ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
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I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.