take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit