I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
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Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.