Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?