Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
You Might Also Like
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My dad.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.