GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
You Might Also Like
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Watermelon Boss!
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!