date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out