Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
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I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He鈥檚 the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they鈥檙e 100% not listening.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 馃檪
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
When you鈥檙e 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they鈥檙e all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That鈥檚 me in a nutshell.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.