How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
You Might Also Like
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”