If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
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“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
From my Mom
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.