Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.