TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
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Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I want this so bad
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
This a good idea
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Good news
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.