I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
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I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.