Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Oh hi lol
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.