I have never heard an armadillo before.
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
guilty
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!