When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
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If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
lmfao come on
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.