shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Me too 😆
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
m’lady
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS