[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
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[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy