Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
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Krampus.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I tried some new stretches, and now I鈥檝e been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he鈥檚 definitely dead
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fianc茅e
The wife鈥檚 clearing out the fridge before vacation so I鈥檝e a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her