I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
they finally got him. they got macavity
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.