Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead