Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?