Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.