her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Look at this