If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Well, that should do it
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The fall of Netflix
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.