Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.